Since I BC'd back in January, a lot has changed. Namely, my husband and his viewpoint on my hair and my journey. My hubby is a loving, kind, gentle soul. He also has VERY specific thoughts as to what his definition of "beautiful" is and those thoughts include long, curly hair. When I got home from my salon visit and my Big Chop, I was extremely nervous as to what he would say and what he would think. I had the stylist create a custom wig for me made from 100% real indian hair. Now this wig was FIERCE and looked really nice but what was waiting underneath was a head of barely 1 inch of hair sprinkled liberally with bald spots and tracts of missing hair. To say I looked like some sort of victim was to put it mildly. When my hubby got home, he was excited to see my new 'do, in fact he loved the wig. When I ripped it off my head and showed him my bald dome, he nodded sympathetically and said, "it will grow back." Sounds like a happy ever after ending, doesn't it? In fact, it was not. It was just the beginning of the growing pains my darling hubby and I experienced.
Every day I looked at my bald head and felt....less than. Less than female, less than sexy, less than attractive...just simply less than. My hair was so short I couldn't even grab enough strands to twist it. It was so sad. My hubby, normally the chatty type, grew more and more quiet...and I noticed. I tried to seek his opinion on different styles on the internet: TWAs, twists, cornrows, locs. His response was indifference and when I pressed for something more, he would simply say "I just can't see it". So the silence between us continued for a few more weeks and I continued to rock my wig. Then one day, he talked and basically told me he and his best bud had had several discussions and I made a decision to go natural and did not include him. He told me I knew of his love for long hair and I simply cut mine off to my scalp and rarely wore my, rather expensive, wig when at home. He told me he didn't find natural hair (wait for it) ATTRACTIVE (gasp!!!!) and then all hell broke loose from there. My hubby and I fought and fought and fought. I was angry, I was hurt, I was scared and most importantly, I thought he would no longer love me. So naturally, as I do when I am angry, hurt and scared, I lashed out at him with a vengeance and called him everything but a child of God! Not. a. proud. moment.
So I left our home for a drive to get my thoughts and bash him to my girlfriend and my sister. How dare he not think my hair is beautiful? How dare he call me ugly? How dare he tell me I have to perm my hair or he'll leave me??? Now my darling hubby did not actually utter these words in any way but that is what I heard. I heard him declare these statements because these were MY insecurities and he was simply trying to figure out what I was planning. He felt left out of my decision making process because while I was making all these massive changes, I really never did discuss with him what would happen next. Heck, I went to get my hair done and a new weave put in and I came home bald with a wig! No wonder he was in a tail-spin, this is a man who DOES NOT like change.
So after the fireworks, my darling hubby and I simply talked. We talked about his concerns, my fears, his questions, my insecurities and....he supported me and continues to support me!!! He told me he'd love me no matter what, he just needed a flashlight to figure out what our next turn in the road would be and so now OUR journey has begun.
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